Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

So we put up the tree today! I don't have particular theme to my tree, it just has ornaments taht I have collected over the years on it. I like it that way. Each ornament has a special meaning and every year we get a new one or two or three. This is Lexi's first Christmas so I am excited for her. She of course has no clue what is going on, all she cares about is being changed and having food in her tummy.

Thankful

I thought with Thanksgiving I better write down the things I am thankful for, I try to remind myself daily of all these things and hopefully this post will help me even more. So here they are:

1. Jaxon. He is my oldest, the one who made me a Mom. He is so smart and amazes me everyday. He has a huge heart, I love his personality even if at times he tests my patience to the max. Funny story: The other day while driving home he said..."Mom, a girl named Emma in my class asked me if I could go see New Moon with her, can I?" I laughed so hard, because he is 5, not 16 and boy am I in trouble with this boy.
2. Ashton. He is such a free spirit. He is definitely a Momma's boy and I am okay with that. He loves me like no one ever has. He is always worried about things, he will ask me atleast once a week if Daddy is okay. He had a hard time when Bob was sick. He loves to wrestleand wants to play Football already.
3. Alexia. My little princess. She is my hero, she is a fighter and I love it. She amazes me everyday. Doctors said she would be behind in everything, well she is proving them wrong. I know that everything will be fine with her. She is fiesty and she is MY LITTLE GIRL!
4. My Husband. He is my rock. He has endured so much this year. He went through one of the worst surgeries and not only that, but 14 hours under the knife. I love him so much and I hope he knows that.
5. My Mom. She is my best friend. She has kept my head on straight and I can cry to her anytime I want to and sometimes she will cry with me.
6. My Dad. We haven't always had the best relationship, but this year, we have become very close. He has been there for me during the worst times of my life.
7. My Sisters. They are both my best friends and someone I can always count on to be there when I need them.
8. My Job. Even if at times I don't like my job, I am thankful that I have a place to go to and bring home a pay check every month. I am thankful for the vacation time they give me so that I can spend time with my family. I am thankful for the 13 weeks of maternity leave 100% paid. And most of all, all the friends I have made there.
9. My Home. It may not be the best to other people, but I love it and its what I call home. Its just what I wanted when I was looking for a house.
10. My Friends. I have some of the best friends and I am so thankful for that. Without them I may not have gotten through this year.


I am sure there are tons more things, but this is what comes to mind first.

Setting my emotions aside

These last three days I have thought over and over and over in my head about the news I got on Monday. I have replayed the words that the doctor told me over and over and over and over again. Its still fresh, sitting right there. Its hard to not think about what I just went through, all the tears I cried over the summer, all the long nights worrying about whether or not my Husband was going to die or live. I got down on my knees a couple of times and prayed so hard for someone to make it better. And I feel like I am doing this all over again.

Its hard not to think about what could happen or just might happen to Lexi, its hard not to think about all those things my Husband was hooked up to after surgery or all the tests that were ran 5 million times to find out if he was going to need a heart transplant or if they could fix it. Its hard to hide my feelings from my kids even though I am hurting so bad on the inside. Its hard to not just break out into a cry whenever I want to or cry at the weirdest moments or because I read a story that may not have been sad to others, but I am crying so hard my eyes are red. Its just plain HARD! I am trying to find the courage, strength and whatever else it takes to set my emotions aside, look at the positive things in life and live in the moment.

When I talked to the pediatrician the other day, he advised that he is fighting with me, not against me or for me, but WITH ME. I like that, he reassured me that he would make sure that my daughter was taken care of to the fullest. He called the cardiologist to see if anything could be done to determine what is going on with her tiny and sweet heart, what we could do to make sure she can live life to the fullest. So we are once again WAITING on that phone call. It could be next month, it could be next year (Thank goodness thats only a little over month away) or it could be middle of next year when we go in for a heart cath. I am scared! But I have to be strong for my little girl and keeping fighting with her. She is definitely my HERO, so much!!

Trying to find the courage to stay strong...

Well todays appt didn't go as expected and I have bawled and bawled and bawled and bawled and my eyes are so red that I can barely see. There is nothing that hurts worse than being told that your daugher isn't better first of all and then that there is nothing they can do right now. Lexis official diagnosis is pulmonary stenosis (The pulmonary valve opens to let blood flow from the right ventricle to the lungs. Narrowing of the pulmonary valve (valvar pulmonary stenosis) causes the right ventricle to pump harder to get blood past the blockage.)and well its not good news. And basically its a waiting game to see what will be done, there is a small miracle it could fix itself, but most of the time people go into heart failure (like Bob did) and have to have it fixed. Could be years, could be months, never know. All I know is that I am ONE BIG emotional wreck right now. Of course it doesn't help that I just went through this with my Husband, it doesn't help that my mind is fresh from everything we went through in the last 6 months. It doesn't help that I have hundreds of thousands of medical bills lingering over my head and everyone wants something. Its frustrating, hard, sad and everything else that goes along with it. So if I could set my emotions aside and all the images in my head, then I could probably grip this nightmare and hope for the best, but prepare for the worse. But I can't, its hard and anyone that has been through something like this knows. Its so easy to say, "don't worry about it" or "everything will work out in the end". But how do I get there, how do I get past everything else. I just want my sweet baby girl to be better. I just want good news, is that asking too much?

So thats my bad news, the good news...Well she is doing awesome in everything else, she is gaining weight, she is so tall that she is off the charts. She is eating good, looks good and I love her to pieces. So once again, I am asking, if you could spare a few prayers, please send them our way, we could really use them right now for strength and courage to get through this.

Lexi weighs 16lbs 6oz, this is the most weight she has gained in 2 months. She is in the 70% percentile on weight, off the charts on height and 25% percentile in the head area. Tiny head, but a very cute girl.

6 months already

Its crazy how fast these last 6 months have gone by, where have they gone too? I can't imagine life before Lexi, I am so blessed to have her in my life, she is everything I dreamed of and so much more.

Her accomplishments this month:

*She can hold her bottle (I can't believe, I looked up to see when my boys held theirs and they were like 9-10 months. Crazy!!!)
*She rolls everywhere, if she wants to get to something...SHE WILL!!!
*She says Dada and Mama, of course she did say Dada first, but o'well.
*She almost has the sitting thing down...ALMOST, but not quite yet.

Her Favorites:

*Chewing on everything, everything goes in the mouth to be gummed to death.
*She loves her food way more than a bottle, but if she is cranky you can forget about food, she wants her thumb or a bottle.
*Her Daddy, he runs every time she makes a peep, its funny, I never thought this would be this way, but it is. If she wants Daddys attention she just needs to sqauk (SP?) and he is there.
* She loves her carrots still and sweet potatoes, anything with oatmeal or granola (baby food granola), squash and apples and all her fruits pretty much.
*She still loves her dolly and she even looked at Daddy and he bought her a $6.00 Dora that is small (I told she has him wrapped around her finger).
*She loves taking a showere with Mommy even though she holds her breath.
*She likes her new exersaucer.
*she loves to giggle and is always smiling, she is a smiley girl.

Her not so favorites:

*She absolutely hates a wet or dirty diaper, but who doesn't?
*She hates green beans, peas and anything green, its weird, its like she knows its green.
*She doesn't like to left a lone, she has to see someone.


She is a total girly girl, but I am okay with that. She is so much fun and I love the stage she is at right now. I love dressing her up, buying her clothes and everything. My boys still think the world of her and are more and more protective every day.

PS: I will post stats on Monday after her doctors appt, which I am praying brings good news about her heart.

Living in the moment

These pictures bring tears to my eyes, tears of joy that is, tears of thankfulness and tears of happiness. Almost 4 months ago, I never thought I would see my Husband running around with our kids again, I never thought he would be able to go on a walk with us again and we didn't know whether he was going to live or not. Amazing, truly amazing! Today, he is healthy, happy, stronger then ever and free of pain. Its crazy to look at him today and look at him 4 months ago and see the difference. On Sunday, we went to the park, Bob chased the kids around FOREVER, they played, he play and they all loved it and SO DID I. I got tears in my eyes watching it, but they were good tears. Its amazing how the little things can bring tears to your eyes. But I am so thankful for this moment and for today.

Happy Halloween

I think we had the BEST Halloween ever! We had a party at our house with two of our neighbors and my family! Its so great to have such amazing neighbors. We had 3 different kinds of soup, pumpkin rolls, chips & salsa, Coconut cream cake, Hot cider, breadsticks and of course CANDY! We jammed out to Michael Jackson (since we just seen his movie, absolutely AMAZING, he may have been a creep, but the guy could sing and dance and definately an amazing performer). We also watched some baseball and hung out. My kids weren't too into trick or treating, they were done after 30 mins, which is fine with me, I hate them having candy, but we have plenty to last us quite some time. Hope everyone else had a Happy Halloween!!!